Thursday, July 14, 2005
Looking At Relationships
Studying relationships is like trying to analyze a 100 story skyscraper. The only problem being that you are trapped inside. You can walk from room to room and travel from floor to floor, check out the boiler room and the loading docks, peek in the closets and even look at the blueprints – but you can’t step outside of it in order to get a view from the outside-looking-in.
Unfortunately, we can’t step outside of “Relationship” as a whole in order to get the view from the outside looking in. Relationship is inseparably central to who we are. We cannot remove ourselves from relationship.
Relationship is central to who God is and who we are
The first relationship was not God and Adam; or even God and the angels - but God and God (John 1:1). Relationship has always existed within the Trinity. God is love - so God is relationship.
That means that relationship has existed from eternity and will exist to eternity. It has always existed and will always exist. And in the meantime its going to drive us nuts! Henry Kissinger said "No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy"!
God created us to be in relationship with each other, but to draw life only from our relationship with Him.
God’s Design
God designed a beautiful relationship economy. It works like this….
We have deep relational needs, and we know (because He promised us!) that ALL of our needs are going to be met by God. As we live in that truth and trust Him to fill our relationship needs, we can then relate to each other in a selfless way – not to get what we need for ourselves, but to share what we have with others.
As Paul wrote in Philippians 2:4, “Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not his own interests but also each for the interests of others.”
Sounds great doesn’t it?
But because of the condition of this world, indwelling sin and our flesh, all of us have gotten it backwards at times.
It sometimes looks like this…
We live here on earth, are very aware of the needs that we have for love, respect, acceptance, significance, protection. And we look around at all of these other people – and we think to ourselves “look at all of these people who can meet my needs” – I just need to find ways [attract / manipulate / coerce] to get them into doing so.
And as long as these other people are doing a good job of meeting my needs, then things are good and my relationship with God is good. If other people aren’t doing a good job of meeting my needs, then I’m angry at God, depressed, God is failing me.
We don’t always experience the freedom that God has given us in our human relationships. Instead our whole relationship experience can be a prison.
Meet Ruth
Ruth is a book that reminds us of the freedom that God intends for us experience in our relationships.
This Old Testament woman from Moab reminds us that we can be courageous, adventurous, free-wheeling, generous, risk-takers in our relationships because we are playing with house money. God has already promised to meet all of our needs.
We’re along for the ride. All we have to concern ourselves with is loving God and freely loving the people He has put around us.
Ruth's Background (1100 BC)
During a severe famine in Bethlehem a man named Elimelech (from the tribe of Judah) took his wife Naomi and their two sons (Mahlon and Chilion) to Moab in search for greener pastures.
When they arrived in Moab Elimelech died but Naomi stayed in Moab with her sons. Mahlon and Chilion married Moabite women (Ruth and Orpah) and together they lived in Moab for 10 years. But then both of Naomi’s sons both died.
Naomi had followed her husband from her home (Bethlehem) because things were bad, but now she was in worse shape than ever. She had a major problem because she and Elimelech had no more living sons and thus she was cut off from his inheritance. Both of her sons died before they could have any sons of their own. She was broke and had no money coming to her.
Naomi had gone from a husband and sons and financial security to a future that was going to consist of living off of any charity she could gleen.
After a time famine was getting better in Bethlehem so Naomi decided to return. Ruth and Orpah both initially started off with her.
Orpah and Ruth Decide
Naomi tried to convince them to return home for their best interest.
She tried to rationalize with them: “Your family is in Moab”, “You can get married again and have children”. You can still have a future. Why would you want to go with me to a new land. I have nothing to give you. I don’t have any more sons for you to marry.
She raised some good points. Ruth and Orpah were certainly not “obligated” to continue to take care of Naomi. And Naomi had nothing left to offer them. Their family, gods and entire culture was in Moab. They could start over.
After thinking about it, Orpah gave her a tearful kiss goodbye and went home. Ruth, however made a very brave statement.
Ruth 1 vs 16-18
And Ruth said, Urge me not to leave you or to turn back from following you; for where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people and your God my God.
Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. The Lord do so to me, and more also, if anything but death parts me from you.
When Naomi saw that Ruth was determined to go with her, she said no more.
Orpah’s response and Ruth’s response
Was Orpah wrong in the decision that she made? She protected herself and her future. Her familial contract with Naomi had been fulfilled.
Ruth responded to her relationship with Naomi as a covenant. Even though Naomi’s family could no longer provide what she hoped for, she still was going to stick with her - dedicate her life to caring for an old women with no prospects.
Your God will be My God. Ruth had obviously heard about the goodness of the God of Israel from Naomi. Maybe in that moment she had faith in Naomi’s God than Naomi did.
Regardless, it was a beautiful selfless act. Ruth’s decision did not take into consideration her own future plans and needs. Maybe she could start over and have another family – have another chance for wealth and comfort. She was at risk of kissing all of that goodbye. The relationship that God put in front of her wasn’t a husband. It wasn’t even a man! And as a woman it wasn’t a woman that could bear her a husband!!
Ruth did not let fear or her concerns for her own needs make her decision for her.
I long for that freedom.
I long to make decisions in life without having to worry about taking care of myself.
This World and its Win-Win Mentality
Our society doesn’t do too well with true selflessness and self-forgetfulness, but we’ve tried to compromise with concepts Win-Win relationships.
Steven Covey – business/personal enrichment term. I can do what is good for you, and still make sure that my needs taken care of.
Win-win may be good for business, but it’s not what God intended for relationships. It still makes us focus on getting our own needs get met. It robs us of freedom – the freedom to make decisions, enter relationships, and treat each other the way we would if we didn’t have to worry about protecting ourselves and taking care of ourselves.
I want to:
o Be more compassionate in the pain that people around me experience
o Give more of my time when it's needed
o Be as excited about other's successes as I am about my own
o Be a more dependable friend
o Give more money where it is needed
I long for my decisions to not be made out of fear of self protection because I know that there is FREEDOM there.
I want to be able to live out of a forgetfulness of my own needs – knowing that God will supply my needs because I am abiding in Him. I long for the freedom and beauty that I see in Ruth’s decision to follow God, put her own needs aside and put Naomi’s needs above her own.
Relationship can only be experienced in the present
In Screwtape Letters, CS Lewis using a conversation from an demon experienced in tempting to a young protégé tempter, encourages the young demon to keep the young human man assigned to him focused on the past; or on the hope or dread of the future. Whatever he does, keep his mind off of the present.
Why? According to Lewis, because God’s aim is that we focus on two things: 1. Eternity itself, and 2. to the point of time that is called the Present – because the Present is the point at which time meets eternity. We can experience eternity in the present.
We humans live constrained by time, so the present is the point where eternity meets us in our time. Giving too much energy to the past can be paralyzing and unhealthy. Being affixed on the future is even worse because a focus on the future is to be concerned with unrealities. If we are focusing on the future we are focused on something that doesn’t even exist.
Obviously, relationship can only be experienced in the present. It is impossible for us to really experience freedom in our relationships if we are fixated on the past. Especially if we have had a painful relationship past, we bring a lot of baggage that disables us from healthy relationship.
Likewise if our focus is fixated on the future (which doesn’t exist) we cannot respond with the love that Ruth showed to Naomi. Our response will be more like Orpah.
The enemy wants us to focus either on the past or the future, and in that, cut us off from relationship. If we are not living in the present moment (confident that Jesus is taking care of our needs), with our eyes fixed on eternity, our relationships will suffer.
Conclusion
Orpah was unable to effectively be in relationship with Naomi because her concern was on the past and future.
I know that I miss out sometimes too. Freedom is what Jesus came to give us. We possess it but we can choose fear or self-protection instead.
Jesus is teaching me how free I really am. He wants me to experience my freedom every moment. ¶ 9:30 AM
Unfortunately, we can’t step outside of “Relationship” as a whole in order to get the view from the outside looking in. Relationship is inseparably central to who we are. We cannot remove ourselves from relationship.
Relationship is central to who God is and who we are
The first relationship was not God and Adam; or even God and the angels - but God and God (John 1:1). Relationship has always existed within the Trinity. God is love - so God is relationship.
That means that relationship has existed from eternity and will exist to eternity. It has always existed and will always exist. And in the meantime its going to drive us nuts! Henry Kissinger said "No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy"!
God created us to be in relationship with each other, but to draw life only from our relationship with Him.
God’s Design
God designed a beautiful relationship economy. It works like this….
We have deep relational needs, and we know (because He promised us!) that ALL of our needs are going to be met by God. As we live in that truth and trust Him to fill our relationship needs, we can then relate to each other in a selfless way – not to get what we need for ourselves, but to share what we have with others.
As Paul wrote in Philippians 2:4, “Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not his own interests but also each for the interests of others.”
Sounds great doesn’t it?
But because of the condition of this world, indwelling sin and our flesh, all of us have gotten it backwards at times.
It sometimes looks like this…
We live here on earth, are very aware of the needs that we have for love, respect, acceptance, significance, protection. And we look around at all of these other people – and we think to ourselves “look at all of these people who can meet my needs” – I just need to find ways [attract / manipulate / coerce] to get them into doing so.
And as long as these other people are doing a good job of meeting my needs, then things are good and my relationship with God is good. If other people aren’t doing a good job of meeting my needs, then I’m angry at God, depressed, God is failing me.
We don’t always experience the freedom that God has given us in our human relationships. Instead our whole relationship experience can be a prison.
Meet Ruth
Ruth is a book that reminds us of the freedom that God intends for us experience in our relationships.
This Old Testament woman from Moab reminds us that we can be courageous, adventurous, free-wheeling, generous, risk-takers in our relationships because we are playing with house money. God has already promised to meet all of our needs.
We’re along for the ride. All we have to concern ourselves with is loving God and freely loving the people He has put around us.
Ruth's Background (1100 BC)
During a severe famine in Bethlehem a man named Elimelech (from the tribe of Judah) took his wife Naomi and their two sons (Mahlon and Chilion) to Moab in search for greener pastures.
When they arrived in Moab Elimelech died but Naomi stayed in Moab with her sons. Mahlon and Chilion married Moabite women (Ruth and Orpah) and together they lived in Moab for 10 years. But then both of Naomi’s sons both died.
Naomi had followed her husband from her home (Bethlehem) because things were bad, but now she was in worse shape than ever. She had a major problem because she and Elimelech had no more living sons and thus she was cut off from his inheritance. Both of her sons died before they could have any sons of their own. She was broke and had no money coming to her.
Naomi had gone from a husband and sons and financial security to a future that was going to consist of living off of any charity she could gleen.
After a time famine was getting better in Bethlehem so Naomi decided to return. Ruth and Orpah both initially started off with her.
Orpah and Ruth Decide
Naomi tried to convince them to return home for their best interest.
She tried to rationalize with them: “Your family is in Moab”, “You can get married again and have children”. You can still have a future. Why would you want to go with me to a new land. I have nothing to give you. I don’t have any more sons for you to marry.
She raised some good points. Ruth and Orpah were certainly not “obligated” to continue to take care of Naomi. And Naomi had nothing left to offer them. Their family, gods and entire culture was in Moab. They could start over.
After thinking about it, Orpah gave her a tearful kiss goodbye and went home. Ruth, however made a very brave statement.
Ruth 1 vs 16-18
And Ruth said, Urge me not to leave you or to turn back from following you; for where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people and your God my God.
Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. The Lord do so to me, and more also, if anything but death parts me from you.
When Naomi saw that Ruth was determined to go with her, she said no more.
Orpah’s response and Ruth’s response
Was Orpah wrong in the decision that she made? She protected herself and her future. Her familial contract with Naomi had been fulfilled.
Ruth responded to her relationship with Naomi as a covenant. Even though Naomi’s family could no longer provide what she hoped for, she still was going to stick with her - dedicate her life to caring for an old women with no prospects.
Your God will be My God. Ruth had obviously heard about the goodness of the God of Israel from Naomi. Maybe in that moment she had faith in Naomi’s God than Naomi did.
Regardless, it was a beautiful selfless act. Ruth’s decision did not take into consideration her own future plans and needs. Maybe she could start over and have another family – have another chance for wealth and comfort. She was at risk of kissing all of that goodbye. The relationship that God put in front of her wasn’t a husband. It wasn’t even a man! And as a woman it wasn’t a woman that could bear her a husband!!
Ruth did not let fear or her concerns for her own needs make her decision for her.
I long for that freedom.
I long to make decisions in life without having to worry about taking care of myself.
This World and its Win-Win Mentality
Our society doesn’t do too well with true selflessness and self-forgetfulness, but we’ve tried to compromise with concepts Win-Win relationships.
Steven Covey – business/personal enrichment term. I can do what is good for you, and still make sure that my needs taken care of.
Win-win may be good for business, but it’s not what God intended for relationships. It still makes us focus on getting our own needs get met. It robs us of freedom – the freedom to make decisions, enter relationships, and treat each other the way we would if we didn’t have to worry about protecting ourselves and taking care of ourselves.
- What would you do if you knew that all of your needs were going to be met?
- How would you treat people if you didn’t have to worry about protecting yourself?
- What would our relationships look like if we decided to say, I’m going to make sure that you win. God is taking care of me.?
I want to:
o Be more compassionate in the pain that people around me experience
o Give more of my time when it's needed
o Be as excited about other's successes as I am about my own
o Be a more dependable friend
o Give more money where it is needed
I long for my decisions to not be made out of fear of self protection because I know that there is FREEDOM there.
I want to be able to live out of a forgetfulness of my own needs – knowing that God will supply my needs because I am abiding in Him. I long for the freedom and beauty that I see in Ruth’s decision to follow God, put her own needs aside and put Naomi’s needs above her own.
Relationship can only be experienced in the present
In Screwtape Letters, CS Lewis using a conversation from an demon experienced in tempting to a young protégé tempter, encourages the young demon to keep the young human man assigned to him focused on the past; or on the hope or dread of the future. Whatever he does, keep his mind off of the present.
Why? According to Lewis, because God’s aim is that we focus on two things: 1. Eternity itself, and 2. to the point of time that is called the Present – because the Present is the point at which time meets eternity. We can experience eternity in the present.
We humans live constrained by time, so the present is the point where eternity meets us in our time. Giving too much energy to the past can be paralyzing and unhealthy. Being affixed on the future is even worse because a focus on the future is to be concerned with unrealities. If we are focusing on the future we are focused on something that doesn’t even exist.
Obviously, relationship can only be experienced in the present. It is impossible for us to really experience freedom in our relationships if we are fixated on the past. Especially if we have had a painful relationship past, we bring a lot of baggage that disables us from healthy relationship.
Likewise if our focus is fixated on the future (which doesn’t exist) we cannot respond with the love that Ruth showed to Naomi. Our response will be more like Orpah.
The enemy wants us to focus either on the past or the future, and in that, cut us off from relationship. If we are not living in the present moment (confident that Jesus is taking care of our needs), with our eyes fixed on eternity, our relationships will suffer.
Conclusion
Orpah was unable to effectively be in relationship with Naomi because her concern was on the past and future.
I know that I miss out sometimes too. Freedom is what Jesus came to give us. We possess it but we can choose fear or self-protection instead.
Jesus is teaching me how free I really am. He wants me to experience my freedom every moment. ¶ 9:30 AM
